Life sucks..
3:33 AM 1 Comment »
It's almost 4am on a Monday morning and I don't know where Archie is.
And I've been a selfish pig. Why? A few months ago Archie told me he was having issues with being in small rooms. That eventually progressed to having attacks at home and just wanting to not be here. Going for a drive was the only way he got better. That's why he's been gone so much. It was a major issue for us at the time because Archie was scared about what we would do if he kept getting worse, to the point that he just couldn't be at the house for long and I could never leave it. That would leave us very little room for us. I told him we'd see how things went and take it from there. He hadn't mentioned it in about 2 months, the need to leave, so I thought he was over it after the stress with our friends calmed down.
Well, they hadn't stopped. That's why he's been gone so much and why he's been planning more trips. And instead of being supportive, I just got bitchier and bitchier. All I was concerned about was how alone I was feeling. Archie said we'd spend today together when I was having my melt down Saturday and we did spend all morning with one another. ((It was really nice, we danced and learned the rumba and waltz)) Well after about 4 hours together I noticed Archie kept acting weird and knew something was bothering him. He couldn't sit still so I kept asking him what he was thinking and he finally admitted he just couldn't stop thinking about how much he needed out of the house. So I told him to go, then went to the bathroom. He left so fast he was gone before I even sat down and that upset me. And the more I thought about it, the more upset I got, till I finally called him.
I cried, he cried, and I got even more upset when I got an email from the therapist I found that seemed to say she wouldn't take me without a previous Dr saying so. We lost connection because of how far out he was and I haven't heard from him since.
And that's when I realized I was a selfish pig.
The entire time we've been together, Archie has went every where without me. He was alone all that time. And he didn't bitch about it. Maybe a half a dozen times, in 5 and a half years, he asked me to go with him somewhere. Other than that, he didn't pressure me. But the second he's having a problem, I close him off and start whining about how it's affecting me. So right now, I feel pretty bad.
Also, I realized that probably the biggest reason he's having panic issues at home is me. I have been leaning on him really hard the past 4 or 5 months and I think his fears of not being able to care for me is making him avoid being home. He knows I want a house but we can't get one yet. That bothers him. And his mom has had alot of heart tests recently and I think that's scaring him too. And I wasn't realizing how badly all of this was making him feel pressured until today. It's like I looked at it clearly and realized, well damn I'm not being fair to him at all. He supported me and my problems and went every where alone all the time, but yet he's having a problem and I'm crying all the time about being by myself a couple hours every day. That's totally not fair play.
I realized that when it comes to my problem I kinda just expect people to accept it and deal. But when someone else was having a problem, I was kinda blaise about it and wrote it off as not as bad as mine. Ergo, not important. But it is. It's important to Archie because it scares him. He's afraid for us and is very pessimistic. I was ignoring that because I'm very optomistic. But I realize now that Archie has been thinking about this alot and with his doom turn of mind, is probably expecting things to get worse. And with the fact that I was being very selfish in the issue, he probably felt very alone.
So I've decided I can deal with him needing to leave when he has to. I just need a signal from him that he's leaving because he's feeling he has to and not because he's angry at me. That's what I always worry about. I guess it's me being self centered, because I always assume it has to involve me in some way. I try not to do that, but it's pretty hard for me to do. I want him to relax and not feel so pressured. I think that will go a long way in helping him to stop feeling like home isn't a happy place and is just alot of stress.
But I can't tell him that, and apologize for being selfish, if I can't get him on the phone or he won't come home. I don't even know if he's alright. His phone is calling straight to voice mail so either he's seriously out of range of any tower, his battery is dead or he's turned his phone off. I'm just really really scared. Most likely he's just lost, he get's lost driving around SO much, but when it's 4am and someone isn't home, you get scared....
And I've been a selfish pig. Why? A few months ago Archie told me he was having issues with being in small rooms. That eventually progressed to having attacks at home and just wanting to not be here. Going for a drive was the only way he got better. That's why he's been gone so much. It was a major issue for us at the time because Archie was scared about what we would do if he kept getting worse, to the point that he just couldn't be at the house for long and I could never leave it. That would leave us very little room for us. I told him we'd see how things went and take it from there. He hadn't mentioned it in about 2 months, the need to leave, so I thought he was over it after the stress with our friends calmed down.
Well, they hadn't stopped. That's why he's been gone so much and why he's been planning more trips. And instead of being supportive, I just got bitchier and bitchier. All I was concerned about was how alone I was feeling. Archie said we'd spend today together when I was having my melt down Saturday and we did spend all morning with one another. ((It was really nice, we danced and learned the rumba and waltz)) Well after about 4 hours together I noticed Archie kept acting weird and knew something was bothering him. He couldn't sit still so I kept asking him what he was thinking and he finally admitted he just couldn't stop thinking about how much he needed out of the house. So I told him to go, then went to the bathroom. He left so fast he was gone before I even sat down and that upset me. And the more I thought about it, the more upset I got, till I finally called him.
I cried, he cried, and I got even more upset when I got an email from the therapist I found that seemed to say she wouldn't take me without a previous Dr saying so. We lost connection because of how far out he was and I haven't heard from him since.
And that's when I realized I was a selfish pig.
The entire time we've been together, Archie has went every where without me. He was alone all that time. And he didn't bitch about it. Maybe a half a dozen times, in 5 and a half years, he asked me to go with him somewhere. Other than that, he didn't pressure me. But the second he's having a problem, I close him off and start whining about how it's affecting me. So right now, I feel pretty bad.
Also, I realized that probably the biggest reason he's having panic issues at home is me. I have been leaning on him really hard the past 4 or 5 months and I think his fears of not being able to care for me is making him avoid being home. He knows I want a house but we can't get one yet. That bothers him. And his mom has had alot of heart tests recently and I think that's scaring him too. And I wasn't realizing how badly all of this was making him feel pressured until today. It's like I looked at it clearly and realized, well damn I'm not being fair to him at all. He supported me and my problems and went every where alone all the time, but yet he's having a problem and I'm crying all the time about being by myself a couple hours every day. That's totally not fair play.
I realized that when it comes to my problem I kinda just expect people to accept it and deal. But when someone else was having a problem, I was kinda blaise about it and wrote it off as not as bad as mine. Ergo, not important. But it is. It's important to Archie because it scares him. He's afraid for us and is very pessimistic. I was ignoring that because I'm very optomistic. But I realize now that Archie has been thinking about this alot and with his doom turn of mind, is probably expecting things to get worse. And with the fact that I was being very selfish in the issue, he probably felt very alone.
So I've decided I can deal with him needing to leave when he has to. I just need a signal from him that he's leaving because he's feeling he has to and not because he's angry at me. That's what I always worry about. I guess it's me being self centered, because I always assume it has to involve me in some way. I try not to do that, but it's pretty hard for me to do. I want him to relax and not feel so pressured. I think that will go a long way in helping him to stop feeling like home isn't a happy place and is just alot of stress.
But I can't tell him that, and apologize for being selfish, if I can't get him on the phone or he won't come home. I don't even know if he's alright. His phone is calling straight to voice mail so either he's seriously out of range of any tower, his battery is dead or he's turned his phone off. I'm just really really scared. Most likely he's just lost, he get's lost driving around SO much, but when it's 4am and someone isn't home, you get scared....
1 comments:
Now -- what about the therapist? Surely the Dr. Recommendation should only be necessary if you are using insurance and it requires such.
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